Like So Many Before
by batfan01
Summary: Grissom and Sara feel like they're going through something so unique...
1. Default Chapter

She looked in on him from the doorway. The muscles of his neck were drawn tight, his head tilted as he stared at his desk. Rarely was it anyone saw that look on his face. 

Grissom was pissed off.

But she didn't hesitate; she knocked twice, lightly on the doorframe.

He looked up and his face softened somewhat.

"You stormed out of there…" She said, taking a seat in front of his desk.

He leaned back and sighed but said nothing, just stared at her. She looked down before she spoke again, trying to avoid the anger in his eyes she was not used to.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

When she looked up again he still hadn't said a word, still hadn't relaxed the muscles in his face.

Finally, he parted his lips and drew in a short breath, "I didn't hear a word you just said."

She sat back and looked at him, a little confused, a little hurt.

He sat forward and pulled off his glasses before he buried his face in his palms. "All through his speech of the good husband, I barely heard a word he said," he paused, face still hidden in his hands, "not like we haven't heard it before, though."

She looked at him, confused, "Grissom…what?"

Looking up, he leaned his chin on his clasped fists. He talked softly. "All the times I've pushed you away, pushed Catherine and Nick and Warrick away. I guess I'm getting what I've wanted."

A realization born of worried memory dawned on her. "How long has this been going on, Gris?"

He shrugged and looked down, "a while. Like an idiot I…I thought it would go away, even as it was getting worse."

Speechless, she could only look at him. The one moment where he confides in her and she can't even find a word of comfort.

He turned slightly and leaned an elbow on the corner of his desk before he looked at her again, straight in the eye. "I've been…thinking of the words for years. First I thought about how…irrational I was being. Then about all the possibility. And then about what I should say to you.

I've changed, Sara," he said, shaking his head but still holding her gaze. "I've had to look at all I've lived for and _reevaluate my life_. When it came to thinking about you…I realized all the planning might be for not…if I can't even hear myself say it to you…or hear you say anything back."

He watched pain and longing flicker through her eyes. "Gissom, I…I don't even-."

He tilted his head slightly, "Sara…Sara," he said it twice, the second time almost a whisper as if enjoying her name for what might be the last time. "Would you just talk to me? I know I've got no right but…just say anything."

So what she said was this, "…why?"

He looked down again and smiled before he looked back up. "Because my hearing might go and…never come back and…all I want to do is hear your voice."

She was half stunned, half full of heartache looking at this man now. So she looked over her shoulder to see that the doorway was free of eavesdroppers before she turned back to his sad, blue eyes. 

She swallowed. "I…I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen." She watched him as she spoke slowly and softly, not knowing quite what the hell it was she was doing. "There's sadness in you and…and _passion_ that…moves me and I don't even know…I don't even know…" She looked at the floor, feeling her heart beat against her chest. "You amaze me, Grissom." She was looking at him when she said it and got up as she finished.

He looked up at her, no hint of anger. Just captivating blue eyes. And he watched her leave his office.

I'd been sleeping way to long  
Searched for the answers but  
Couldn't find one  
Thought I had it under control  
Yeah I was dying and I didn't even know

Alright, I love my Beard of Justice (That'd be Grissom) and I needed to write more of him. I have a thing over his and Sara's relationship so this is where the story comes from. The character of Grissom, played wonderfully by William Peterson, inspired me to write Sara's last little spiel about how amazing he is. 

The lyrics are By Jonny Lang from the song 'To Love Again.' Props go to Jonny for his inspiration. His latest cd may as well just be about these two.

I may write more, I may not, my muse is a fickle creature.


	2. Answered

So many unanswered why's…that I still have today. It wasn't just about the case but that was all I wanted her to surmise at the time. 

Still, why did I call her? She lived in San Francisco, I could have called any one. Of course, I know how good she is at what she does and I say that without bias. 

I also know that no matter what, I care about them, each of my personnel for their individual selves and for the group. Warrick deserved someone as good as Sara to look in on it.

So why did I ask her to stay after that? I asked her, without hesitation, to move to Las Vegas, to give up her life a state away for…me?

I rationalized it then too. 'For the group' I'd said. We needed her.

I fooled them all and myself for a time. I needed her. It was like breathing after having your chest constricted for years, the first time I saw her. Like I could breathe again and I never wanted to let that feeling go.

But the biggest why of that day was…why did she stay? Why did she agree to such an outrageous request?

She asked me to dinner once, just to see what would happen. Why? Better yet…why in the hell didn't I agree?

Maybe I'd found, in my perfect plan to keep her, a flaw. I was her boss now, there were rules to be recognized, to be followed. I cornered myself.

Brilliant Grissom.

All these, his thoughts, while he sat at his desk, wishing she were still across from him, speaking to him beautiful words made so by the fact that they were hers and he could hear them.

He found his jacket in a daze and went out of his office, past Greg and Nick and Warrick, answering no questions put his way. This had happened to him once, when he had been drawn to her so forcefully that he walked without idea as to where he was going and still he found her.

Gorgeous in the stale streetlight, an angel out of place.

Now he had to find her again and he knew she wouldn't be in the lab, despite her love for overtime. So he walked, out of the garage to see her vehicle gone and his chest tightened. 

The strip was still bustling, as it always was, but the rowdy quality had left the crowds of tourists, now intent on breakfast and sightseeing before true Vegas awoke again. Like a ghost, he moved through them, past buildings familiar and faces foreign until he found himself on a road he'd never been consciously on before, though he must have driven it at least once. The road he could've cared less about, there was a shop a ways up from where he stood. Coffee. Good idea, his brain told him.

As though the thing pushing him to find her eased for a moment, he walked slowly, bow-leggedly, to the small shop. 

His usual observations for a new setting were forgone; he just wanted coffee, which the young blonde behind the counted readily handed him. Once at his table, a sort of tunnel vision overtook him and he could only focus on a spot on the table in front of him.

The guy onstage wasn't bad, he had a nice enough voice for seven in the morning. Sara's eyes however, were fixed more so on how his fingers glided across the fret board and how his guitar purred with every strum. A burgeoning musician herself, she respected how hard it was to play the instrument, let alone sing while doing so.

She took another sip of her coffee and relaxed that much more. Here where there was no him, where there no confessions of the horrors that might be, no confessions of things that should never be said for so many reasons.

"…So many damn reasons," she whispered to herself.

On her way to her favorite coffee shop, she'd thought a great deal about him, about how exactly she loved him. It was something bordering on hero worship, a deep love for something that couldn't be soiled. Grissom, his love for his work, his passion for it, couldn't be spoiled.

Even by a girl. It bothered her that the very thing she should love him for would be what made him hold back.

Shaking her head, she looked down to see the absence of coffee in her mug and grumbled slightly. But when she got up to get more, she was startled by him, across the room, staring at his table. 

She quickly decided that more coffee would come first, then Grissom. When she sat down across from him, she startled him out of his thoughtless state. "I think, in this case, you actually have to go first, Gris."

He didn't smile because he normally didn't but felt an ease wash over him and the grip on his chest release. "I, uh, I wanted to find you."

She smiled, "well good job, CSI Grissom. Here I am."

Still, he didn't smile, merely leaned in ever so little. "You're beautiful."

The smile on her face was replaced with the look someone gets while hearing about a relative in the hospital. But she waited, waited for words she wanted to hear from his lips, wanted to see him form and struggle with to get them just right.

"…Stunning, striking…" He laughed now, more of an almost bitter chuckle, "you know, all those practiced words flew outt'a my head when you spoke to me last night…it made me wonder if there were words to describe you rightfully in the first place." 

She looked down at her coffee. She'd heard Grissom speak softly before, heard him say things that made her heart jump, just a little. But this was surreal. This was a downright confession. Nothing abstract, nothing evasive.

And his eyes had never seemed so blue.

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since Holly Gribbs' case-."

"That's enough Grissom, at least…at least for tonight, morning…today." She sipped her coffee again.

He nodded and still, he kept his gaze on her. "I'm scared Sara."

"Of what?" She asked simply, somehow slipping into a friendlier, less tense way with him.

He bowed his head for a moment but quickly looked back up at her. "Of loosing…everything."

They sat together for a long time after that, talking about little inanities, laughing together, sharing gazes not permitted before, even just friendly gazes. And they smiled at one another, they smiled because it felt good to share just that much again.

I stand with a blank expression now

And I can't believe myself

Would someone tell me

How did I get here

I am walking

Changing slowly

I am chasing

Climbing closer

I know that I'll never be alone

You will never let me go

You are my anchor

Hold my hand while I'm sinking in the sand

No one else could understand

You are my anchor

            -Anchor, Lifehouse

I don't think I'm even close to being done but it might take a while. God I love these two, The Beard Of Justice and Sara Sidle were made for each other.

  
  



End file.
